Culture Yourself

My Dad Is The President of Kenya & Other Communist Musings

We are all liars. That is a thing we all have in common no matter the country, the place, the culture or the person. Humans lie. From the somewhat innocuous white lie that I'm sure most if not all Kenyans have said.

'I'm just around the corner, niko kwa jam.'

To the really, really, like humongously undoubted lies that Donald Trump, his administration, and supporters spew every other day. It is our thing. We lie. 

We're so good at it that people have made careers out of it. They like to call themselves politicians but if we're being honest, they are simply liars getting paid to mislead people. This happens all around the world, but Africans take it to a whole new level. We don't lie, we perform half truth's and embellish facts.

In Kenya, we have gotten so used to it that we have become immune to when the government or the people around us are being economical with the truth. We can obviously tell that they are lying but it is the understanding that we have come to. You lie, you take a lil something off the top, say some big words, unveil projects designed in the '60s as recent, and then you give me $2 when it is time for your reelection. It's what we do.

Now, I wouldn't say that I fall into that same category of liars but I would say I am guilty of stretching the truth a little bit here and there, especially as an international student. I'm probably going to be kicked out of the super secret African society of international students in America, but I'll let you in on a little secret of ours. We don't come to America or anywhere else in the world to better ourselves and get knowledge that will help us build our various countries. Why would we do that?

We come to continue spreading the false facts and information about Africa that is already there. Yes, that is really why most of us are in America. That's why some of us were not fans of the movie Black Panther because it gave away our secrets. You really think that Africa, the continent that is the cradle of mankind, the richest man in the world, and housed the first library, would not know what to do with the resources?


Oh, no, no, sweetie you are very confused. It's all subterfuge. We are here to make sure the resources in our countries stay in our countries, that our Wakanda like empires and lives are not tainted by Western 'technological advances.' Besides, we've heard tales of Western gullibility and want to see how far we can go. Which is astonishingly pretty far.

I wasn't going to say anything about the fibs and white lies that Africans tell to keep our hidden societies secret but the world needs this after watching America grapple with the Trump administration. The world requires that you know what to do because your boy is wilding and as they love to tell us in political science when America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. We are catching a serious cold right now and we need to fix it. So here are some tips for understanding that Google is a friend. 

Many have said it numerous times but we often do not believe this piece of advice. If it is too good to be true it is probably a lie. Picture this, you receive an email from one of our famous and generous Nigerian compatriots telling you about the billions that an ancestor/the government/the chief/whoever hid or stole and that they need you. Little old you, to send them some money before they can receive the larger amount of money and pay you with it. I'm going to need you to get on any web browser and type in because that's all you need to know issa scam. Sometimes a rude reply is all you need to get someone to stop their nonsense but if it is too good to be true google is a friend.

In this era of fake news, it is possible for people who have an abundance of time and resources to fake almost anything. That is when we go to the next level of breaking down the African lie. If I tell you my dad is the president of Kenya or that I am the heir to the Kenyan kingdom, call me out. If I surprise you, which I did to a number of people, and say google it. You best google it because I have given you an immediate out of deceit and if the details somehow miraculously fall in line with my lie, you better ask me some follow up questions. Just pester the heck out of someone, it doesn't have to be on the same day, you could annoy them for a whole week with random questions. Sooner or later the person has to crack and be like

'enyewe dude, I was lying. My dad is not the president of Kenya.'

Or my personal favourite,

'no, I'm not a communist. I've never even read the Communist Manifesto in full. I just like to see how riled up people get when someone says, we should all be communists.'

It's easy, breezy, catch a liar. 

At the end of the day though, is it my fault that you chose to believe that I am a communist and that my dad is the president of Kenya?

Google is free and asking questions comes at no cost. As we have seen in America, it doesn't matter how many times the administration will be caught in a lie, they will never stop blaming everyone but themselves. Kenyans have been at this game for years and I don't know why we refuse to ask questions. Last year, there was an alleged maize shortage and the government imported maize from Mexico that arrived at the Kenyan ports in less than a week. I knew that modern technology was fast but not enough to get goods from Mexico to East Africa in less than a week by ship. This year they found Mercury in sugar and obviously all hard feelings following an election loss and the loss of lives came to an end when the two political opponents shook hands. It is easy to see, that we are all somewhat complicit in some way, believing the lies and whatever narrative those with platforms and power have. 

I write all this to say, always remember the three R's, research, research, and research. If someone tells you that they are African royals, take it with a grain of salt. Google, Bing, Yahoo, and whatever other internet search services you use can be your friend. Knowledge is power. Most importantly, if you take nothing away from what I have written, remember this. Most people do not need you to send them any money, especially if you are the one whose services are being rendered. What kind of capitalist nonsense is that? This is why we should all be communists.