Survive Uhuru's Kenya
Unless you live in Uhuru's Kenya or an extremely expensive bubble, you may be unaware that the Kenyan economy is in the toilet. From billions going missing, governors doing everything but their job, to the creation of projects that are only manifested in the policymakers' minds. Life in the other Kenya is - to put it mildly - shit.
In Uhuru's Kenya, life is beautiful. There is ample opportunity if you are 55 and above. If you want to do something while retired, youth job postings are available. There is money to be made and land to be grabbed. Life in the premium version of Kenya is so good that the president wonders how those of us in the free trial can be broke. Isn't life grand, when you know people or are the people to know?
With the Kenyan season of enjoyment, aka Christmas, fast approaching, those of us in the free trial version of Kenya must find a way to live like those in the premium version. As many have said in life, to get where you want to be, you have to fake it to make it. It would seem that in Kenya, to be truly happy, you need a lot of money. And so, dear reader, I have studied the ways of those in Uhuru's Kenya, and I have found the steps to maximize enjoyment in jubilee's economy.
Step # 1:Fast, Faster, Fastest… or maybe just Uber Everywhere
To truly and fully immerse yourself in this version of Kenya, you must have a car. Not any old car will do, you need a fuel guzzler or something that ensures people living at the furthest corner of the estate can hear you coming from the gate, both in terms of speed and loudness of your music. It is imperative that the car belongs to a wealthier and more established relative but ensure that you behave and drive it as though it is yours.
Be sure to speed on the highways as though happy hour ends in the next 5 minutes, and you are 10 minutes away. Make sure your music is at maximum volume, never be courteous to other drivers, and be sure to risk not only your lives but those of others as well.
If you or your friends are unable to splurge on an Audi, Benzo, Porsche, or if we must go low, a Prado, Uber is acceptable. Even Uber Chap Chap, just make sure no one sees you coming out of it. However, this is unlikely to be a situation you will experience. In Uhuru's Kenya, you don't travel alone. You must move in groups of 4, so there is room for everyone in the Uber.
Step #2: Brunch… Lunch… Happy Hour… Parte After Parte
The key to success in this country is to be out and about. Don't think of even enjoying a second of rest in your home or sitting on the couch. Who do you think you are? Daddy and mummy's money must be spent!
The best way to do this is to begin with a simple brunch plan. The next steps are integral to fully spending like there is no tomorrow. The brunch must start a little bit late so that it inadvertently turns into a happy hour plan. From happy hour, you can't simply go home, you have to stop by one - if we're being modest - maybe two upscale clubs, where we have to spend someone's yearly salary on a table and drinks.
The goal is to see and be seen. At a minimum, you can post 5 pics and 4 videos of you holding a bottle in the club, but better safe than sorry, make sure you spam people with all the fun they are not having. You've got to remind them they are poor.
If, for some reason, you do not have cash in hand, befriend someone who has access to a country club. Order as much food and drinks as you can while you spend the afternoon basking in the warmth of the knowledge that the bill is not yours to take care of.
Step #3:#TembeaKenya
When the Nairobi scene gets a little bit too overwhelming, and you need a break from your 9 to 5 or from seeing the same people at Artcaffe happy hour, take a trip out of Nairobi.
If you practice the horrendously unsafe methods of driving mentioned in step #1, Naivasha can be an hour away. If death is not your cup of tea and you leave early enough, you can go look at the rocks and things.
Be sure to take plenty of pictures of you looking at the landscape or holding a beer - obviously a Tusker, because even though you live in Uhuru's Kenya, you're not that stuck up. You're a local.
It is important to remind people that Kenya is a beautiful place and that you are one of them but also that you're not.
Step #4: Politics? More like Polidon't
The Luo have a saying that goes 'ka mi luokori ok itwoye.' Meaning, you don't dry yourself where you bathe; otherwise, the crocodile will come and get you. This applies to Uhuru's Kenya as well, never delve deeper into any matter. Everything must be surface level. As the architects and masterminds of the entire nation, your criticisms must be shallow and insubstantial because the stones you throw may be aiming at the glasshouse you are in.
If you are by chance the offspring or relative of a politician, show no interest in politics until you are of age and miraculously appear on the National political scene asking for votes. Not only will you have secured the bag, but you will have secured the next batch of wealth for your future generations.
Always acknowledge your privilege but at a surface level. You know the way men recognize the systems and practices that disadvantage women but do nothing to change their behaviour? Channel that energy. Most importantly, don't be afraid to make outlandish statements that contradict your liberal demeanor.
Step #5: No New Friends
In the wise words of DJ Khaled and Drake, "no new friends, no new friends, no new friends, no, no new." In Uhuru's Kenya, you must only ride with your day ones, preferably the ones you've known from Kindergarten. No work friends, no friends from a wedding or from wherever else people make friends. Keep the circle small and impenetrable, like an exclusive club.
You know the way men think they were born with the right to hold political positions, and women have to prove they can hold those positions? Again channel that energy! You must make it hard for anyone to be your friend. Be friendly but not too friendly that people think they have a chance to be your buddy. The key to success is never to remember the people you interact with. It doesn't matter if you've met them once, fifteen times or with people you know, always introduce yourself to them and say nice to meet you.
Most importantly, the friends you have must be, as we said in step 4, surface level. They know you, but do they really KNOW you? That's for them to figure out and for you to know.
Source your inspiration from the masters of frenemy relations in our country, politicians. Only be with the people who serve your purpose in that particular season, talk about them behind their backs, but when with them smile and be besties.
If you follow these steps, add in a dash of entitlement, nepotism, corruption, and a general disregard for the well-being of anyone outside your social class and group of family and friends. You will survive other Kenya and thrive in Uhuru's Kenya.